So I haven't posted in a while (again) and I don't know if I will in the future.
But I'm going back to Choate next year, which I'm happy (but still nervous) about.
I've been struggling with body/self-esteem issues, which I'd rather not go into detail with.
I'm on Accutane, which is helping my skin a lot.
I'm kind of at the place where you realize how many regrets you've made, but you've gotten over the shock of them but not the aftermath and the effects. I think everything will be fine once I'm moving forward.
Excerpt from something I wrote a couple of weeks ago:
However much I've thought that I'm not a normal teenager, because no one will go out with me (my face, my body), the truth is that I am - however flawed that is.
When people ask you, probingly, if you've changed at all over the past year, how do you answer? The only thing that you can say is that now, standing here, you can look back and barely recognize the girl from before. It's like reading a really long, boring assigned book and getting to teh end and thinking about how bad it would be to go back to page 20. Not that you didn't end up for the worse for it in some ways. Not that if you went back, you wouldn't change it some way. You might put down the book in the middle if you knew what direction it was going in. But then you reach the end of it, and you realize that you're glad you finished after all.
Some time over htis trip, I kind of feel like I've accepted myself. I'm still the kind of girl who looks in the mirror every other second - most often with bad results - but I don't beat myself up over it anymore as I used to. It's just not worth the effort. I can accept it or I can kill myself over it, and I'm going to try to accept it.
So I know I haven't posted that much, but a lot has been going on. I went to Duke TIP last summer, and it was great. I think I had the best birthday ever. I got into Choate, and I went, and I came back. I'm in ninth grade now at the Day School, and my best friend goes there as well. I'm memorizing Pi again, but now I know 960 digits and I want to get to 1000. The contest is on Wednesday. Wish me luck! *crosses fingers*
This year has been so weird. I've been unhappy, I've been happy, but most of all, I've been confused and trapped. I don't really know where I belong - whether at Choate or here - and it's kind of pressing on me.
But I have TIP this summer, and I'm taking Writing with Power. I keep waking up in the middle of the night from really anxious dreams.
It'll all be OK, I think. :) I'll just keep hoping.
OK, I haven't been on in over a year.
The thing is that I got WLed at my favorite boarding school so I'm gonna try to get in. :) I'll post it if I do!!
Soo... I liked this guy at the beginning of the year but then I found out that he was using me to get history answers and notes (yeah, dorky), so I stopped hanging out with him.
P.S. I still like Henry but I also think he's not being very nice lately. -.-
Welll.... nothing much. Julia and I are friends now (we were competitors last year), so yeah. :) She's one of my best friends.
And I was VARSITY SOCCER GOALIE this year!!! :) Yaaay! I hope I'll get to play in high school. ;)
Soo... my depression is on hold. I need to get into my boarding school. ^^ I'm still going to hope. :)
Annnd... I recently re-won the 2nd annual Pi Contest. This time I broke the school record (Well, my record ;)) and memorized 501 digits of pi.
I'm also taking Social Psychology at my camp this summer. I'm soo excited. ;)
HARRY POTTER COVER IS OUT!! To view cover, go to www.mugglenet.com. I think they have a pic floating around out there. LESS THAN 3 MONTHS TILL HARRY POTTER!!!!! July 21. ;)2 dayys after my birthday.
I'm so happy about my report card!!! :)
Honors English: (Average) - 93.
(Exam) - 94
Math - (Average) - 91
(Exam) - 87
History - (Average) - 100!!
(Exam) - 97 :)
French - (Average) - 97
(Exam) - 96
Science - (Average) - 91
(Exam) - 86
I'm so happy!!! I was so surprsied about English ... in our school, a 90 is really good - good enough to move into the Honors class if you're only in the B class ... and that's the best grade I've ever gotten. ^^ And I was relieved to see that my History teacher didn't supposedly take off two points for not paying her back 10 dollars in time .. something a girl in my class used to tease me about, and wouldn't believe anyone when they said that a teacher couldn't take points off if they wanted to.
But my math teacher said I was talkative and distracting. xD I'll try better next time.
Oh my gosh, I won the Short Story Prize in my English class!!! I was so happy .... oh, wow. I actually won a while ago, but I just came back from camp. ^__^
Camp was awesome. It was set up in dorms, and I love the living situation. I love being able to go from room to room, and hang out.
I'm going to Europe in four days!!!
Science is over, History is over, French is over, Math is over. Hallelujah. Only English yet, but it's just basically non-objective - we just have to do essays on all the books we read.
And then Graduation is on Satuday. Wish me luck. :o Not that I'm graduating, but there are prizes to be given out. I'll post more about it later.
And on Sunday I'm leaving for Duke TIP, and I'll be gone from here. I'm taking a Writing Creatively course (have I mentioned that before - I'm sorry if I have)
And just because I feel like writing more, I guess I'll ramble.
Mr. Bayless gave us back his comments on our short story. He said I made a few mistakes, but I built up tension well and resolved it well. Then he said " - great job!" at the end.
I called Henry tonight. I think he doesn't want to disappoint me. He is so sweet. He's never been mean to me, or anything, since I started liking him, even when if it were another boy, they would have been mean to me. But Henry isn't like that.
I think he doesn't want to hurt me.
Oh, and Henry isn't my boyfriend. I just have a crush on him. For two years, really. I'll explain it all later, but I need to study.
And to top it off, Henry ignored me today. Well, actually I did, too, but it was only because I WANTED him to smile at me, and then he didn't. And I got scared. Now I know why boys think girls are so confusing. I even thought I was confusing.
And then ... I IMed him tonight because I couldn't resist and then he said "hey, gg study" which meant I have to go now; I'm studying and then he didn't respond. I bet he hates me now. I bet ... he thinks I'm too clingy, or something. I don't know. I really don't.
I don't know what to do ... I really don't know what to do. I haven't studied anything except for some stuff ... I'm going to fail, oh I know I am. I don't know ...
I can't concentrate, I can't study. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really don't ... I need to get good grades on this, but somehow I can't muster the energy to study.
And now it really matters, now I can't procrastinate or pretend that I don't have exams; they're right there in front of me, foreboding.
I don't know what to do.
Today was long. And dull. Henry only smiled at me once, but didn't sit behind me in English class. I don't know if that's a bad sign. But maybe he doesn't like that I IMed him last night.
I have exams in two days, and I'm procrastinating again. I can't wait to go away to camp on Sunday. Fun. :o
I had a kind-of bad day, but I won a prize at the Awards Assembly for memorizing the most Pi digits in the school (3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620
There's the 231 digits that I memorized, but since then I've only memorized 20 more. xD Maybe next year. ^^ And I got this awesome plaque that's a small circle that has little ridges around it to look like a real pie's crust, and then it has my name, the date, and the title of the award on it. :)